i never truly liked the concept of diaries- more specifically, having your inner most thoughts being able to be read by anyone who may stumble upon them. I remember when i was younger i had this little "diary" that was just a book full of dumb girly questions that you would fill out and you could lock it. the questions were stupid and minor things like "whats the most embarassing thing youve done!!!" or "who do yoou like???" but i was still mortified when my brothers found it one time at parksville and read through it. i guess i just have always been a naturally secretive person who feels a great deal of embarassment when someone finds something out- even if its little. friends and family have often gotten upset at me for not being more open about my life and what i enjoy but it's difficult for me; i'm just a person who tends to get sheepish when speaking of what they enjoy. ive considered just writing diary entries on the notes feature of my phone but that sparks up never concerns such as if my mom or stepdad went through my phone and read it. its not there would be anything inherently bad or uncomfortable on there, its just the invasion of privacy and them knowing about me a little more that gets to me. but i needed to write what i feel and vent to nobody in particular as i have been going through minor things that i feel i need to let out. i figured if i made this subsection of my site and simply made no way to access it other than typing it in the html, that it would be safely hidden from those i know. or at least people i know in real life. there is more of a comfort when it comes to sharing interests online and i feel as though i am more comfortable than i should be- like subconciously i know i want people online to read this and read my thoughts and ill probably allude to another secret portion of my site existing but lets hope that for my Actual sake i dont end up doing that. I have weird ways of expressing pent up thoughts; i used to make digital collages and expressing through that but i have always wanted to express my deepest emotions through the internet. it has been a dream of mine for a long time to have a site but im just rambling and being stupid right now. i lose motivation too fast. while typing this, my motivation for what i was initially going to write has left. hopefully it returns tomorrow.
in all honesty, i did not think i would need to use this section of the site ever again. last year was happy, i was happy, i was content. now, i have changed. in the course of one year, i have become a true monster. there are marks on my skin again, which i hadnt done since i scratched off the skin on my wrist until it was raw. my relationships have changed significantly now. i am far more alone.the one thing i cared about, the thing i thought of day and night is gone now. the things we did together are now done alone. i couldnt have fucked any more than how i did. this is all my fault, if i could go back in time i would. i have so much i would have said differently. would things be different now? would i still be wallowing in my sorrow? i have also reflected on a number of people in this past year. firstly, i cant help think about my dad and the things he's done. it never used to bother me much but now it truly does. him buying stolen christmas presents for us from the pawn shop, him buying gifts for us which he then took and kept for himself, me begging him to stop smoking and him promising he would, only for me to see him smoke the very next day. his treatment of my mom, his treatment of my stepmom. he wallows in his own sorrow since his mom died of cancer and his dad shot himself. im worried im becoming like him. im worried im becoming a terrible person who is wallowing in their own sorrow as well. i think about the times hes been mad at me, when he threatened to come to my grandparents house since i said i couldnt visit on halloween. i think about how irresponsible hes been, giving my brothers a hammer for the pinata, giving us BB guns, playing nothing but horror movies, letting me try his vape when i was only 7 years old, driving while high with us in the car, letting strangers into our house, coming home every night drunk. i am scared of becoming like him, a self serving being with no true care for others. im sure he means well, but his actions drive others way. that being said, so do mine. except, i am an obsessed, sick monster. i drive the people i love away but remain fixated. so i continue to talk to them, buy them things offer them all of my possible love and care, despite knowing they hate me now. its like i am a person who acts as if a ghost is still living, and keeps buying the ghost every toy and present imaginable, just to try and hear the ghost speak again. but of course, the ghost never does. it will never speak again, even if they did why would they speak to you? you have made them this ghost, after all. and then theres Soma. you and him talked when you were 13 years old, despite its sudden stop the two of you had a good bond. soma cared about you and trusted you enough to vent. at 13 years old, you had to talk soma out of suicide. did that instill the role of therapist for you? after all, it seems like youve been a therapist ever since then. you listen to the vents and problems of others, giving your own advice, yet you never get the same treatment back. julianna envied you for how "calm and cool" you always were. how mentally stable and free of issue you seemed to be. but that is untrue. you are a mental disaster. yet, you play the role as someone in constant bliss, your emptiness mistaken for "chill vibes". my brain is screaming. i want to tell this all to someone in person, i want them to hug me and tell me that it will be okay but i cant. nobody can know that im a monster. do i even want help, anyways? or do i just want to go back in time. maybe to graed 9 or 10 perhaps, when i was bliss and full of ignorance. when i waas happy, and loved. when i felt like i had truly had friends and people to talk to. when i had art and ideas, not full of holes and broken memories. if i went back to then with the knowledge i have now would things be different? would we still be talking? or was my transformation into monsterhood inevitable.